“The Onion” Headlines We Would Love to See (some fun with fading Malthusianism, cronic cronyism)

If a New York Times editorial can debunk the population scare (“Overpopulation Is Not the Problem“), surely it is time for The ONION to go to school on alarmism in all of its flavors.

Political satire and parodies are forces for challenging and correcting the Shared Narrative and political correctness. As a step in this direction, and given it is April 1st, here are a few homemade headlines. (And MasterResource should not be serious all of the time.)

Here are mine–feel free to add your own in the comments section–or email them to me for a Part II if this is worthy of being continued.

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Climate Change Responsible for Climate Change (and vice versa), New Study Finds

“I know it sounds redundant,” said one coauthor. “But it really is the chicken-and-egg problem.”

Climate Models Prove Climate Data Wrong

“Climate change has inspired a new branch of postmodernism called climatic-modernism.”

IPCC Revisions, Data Anomalies force Post Deletions at Climate Progress

“We are a nonprofit,” a spokesman for the Center for American Progress said. “The IRS will surely respect our candor.”

“Sierra Club’s ‘Beyond Coal-Oven Pizza’ Campaign Launched”

“Change can start with the taste buds,” said Michael Brune. “We must fight at all levels, even the smallest.”

“Al Gore’s Carbon Footprint Discernible, IEA Reports”

“We knew he was a world traveler and liked his pizza from brick ovens,” said an IEA official. “And all the little things just accumulated to where there is a little heat bump whether he goes.”

“Wind Developer to Vertically Integrate into Avian Meat Market” (W-Spam™)

“Green bird meat could help improve the economics of wind power, post PTC,” said one financial analyst.

“Motorized Wind Turbine Significantly Improves Capacity Factors in Trial Runs”

“We are just plain tired of hearing about our unreliability and low capacity factors,” said AWEA. “So with a little help from our energy sisters, our vitals are going way up.”

“Poll: Most Voters Do Not Blame Global Warming for Humans” 

“We decided to reverse the question,” said one involved pollster. “The results were interesting once we sold the confusion.”

“Low Wind Capacity Factors Due to ‘Weather, not Technology’, AWEA Contends”

“We are ready to run at any time,” said the spokesperson. “What happens with the input is God’s will, not ours.”

“PhotoShop Prize Awarded to the American Wind Energy Association (AWEA)”

“Never has such greenery and bliss been added with such concreteness and steely fervor,” it was announced.

“DOE Sees Fraud in Gas-to-Gas Project”

“We were badly duped,” admitted DOE’s inspector general. “We have been so immersed in coal gasification projects that we jumped at this cheaper way to get gas. But it was not a physical conversion, just a mental one.”

“World Ended Decades Ago,” Scientists Report

We had food riots and then mass starvation and then a total wipeout. We are no longer here, in fact. If Paul Ehrlich was here, he would have confirmed this end for mankind.”

Source: http://www.masterresource.org/2014/04/onion-headlines-1/

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